Well I woke up in a car. I traced away the fog-So I could see the mississippi

for some reason i completely forgot about livejournal until the other night when shannon was talking about it!
this weekend was great :) thanks to shannon letting me come and stay with her. Its been what? over a year and half since i've seen you and still its as if we've been talking everyday. I must say that that is true friendship. I can't wait for you to get to orlando so that we can hopefully see eachother more often! truthfully i forgot just HOW much i missed you. I miss talking to you all the time and stuff but i jsut didn't realize HOW MUCH i did until you came and picked me up :)!
thursday night was the sounds--they were good until they started playing they're new stuff and it was kind of boring cause i didn't know any of it so we left--went to i-bar.
hmmm...
friday i hung out with brittany. friday night went to bens--tazed him in the butt (he deserved it)
saturday hung out with brigs and marisa
saturday night did negress things at SHAAAGGNNNON's house
sunday slept slept slept! haha
then back to orlando to head to tampa.

thanks shannon again :) you are the greatest! and i can't wait to get to hang out a lot more than we actually do! cause its unacceptable!

this post is for shannon...
*shhhaaagggnnnon* (in a growl voice)

I'm sorry i missed you.
I mean i'm sorry i miss you.
I didn't know you had it in you.

what is this...this thing we have with putting hints into our posts because we hope that you can get out what your thinking and not have to mention the persons name...but truthfully deep down you know that they will know that you are directing every comment towards them. If we KNOW that they will know that it is them and we WANT them to reply...than why can't we just confront ourselves. why can't we just picked up the freakin phone and call- why are we so afraid to confront people instead of hiding miles away behind our computer screens.

i wish i had the time and your response to tell you how i'm feeling...but theres to much on your plate right now...i'll leave it and forget it just like i've been doing the last 6 months.

this isn't how i remember you used to be.............

its a place that i don't talk about, its a place i take my peace, staring into the lights because thats all you can see. the run way is pitch black- guided only by the small blue, yellow, white lights. you hear the planes, you feel the wind, but the sight is only small lights. i like this place. its lets me think.

They found holes inside

you dont' respond!!! you could atleast give me something...maybe i'm just being a pain in the butt....but i don't understand why you can't give me anything. not even an---yes i got your message i dont' have time to reply---or that you don't want to reply! anything.

i'm not mad at you.
i don't think your a jerk.
i'm not trying to blow this out of proportion.
i'm not trying to start shit.
i'm just frustrated:
and i dont' understand why you would think that i think all of those things about you. your just being to hard on yourself- Because i DON'T! i just thought it was possible for me to tell you how i was feeling and that i was frustrated and that you wouldn't take it like i was bitching at you----so don't, because i'm not!
i just want to talk to you.
GOSH! i miss you!---thats it! thats all there is to it!

is it better the tell the truth and just disobey- running the risk of them thinking you are the worst kid...or to lie and possibly not get into trouble- but run the risk of making things worse?

its our situation...the spark isn't gone--its just hidden from our view at the moment...things will ease down and go back....it has too---i know how i feel. we're ok right now......"i will wait it out- i will not be shaken."
you scare me...........and then relieve me.

Why now!!! almost a whole year! and now its happening to us!!!!! what the hell....why can't you see that its just a faze, i've gone through...the connection is braking because we aren't allowed to see or talk....its not becuase we dont' still feel this way. What now. what freakin now! i try so hard, i become so confident in how we feel and what we are, and then you doubt. I'm torn down everytime, and still i won't let go. I know how you feel, i know that you love me and that you care- you just can't take distance like i can, it must not mean as much as it does to me. I don't know. My mom said that if I love you enough than i can wait a year and a half becuase she isn't going to let me go through with this while she can help it- and in my mind i thought "Yeah, your right I CAN wait! i can wait a year and a half and i'm fine with that becuase i know how i feel and i know what i want and i'm willing to wait it out....i'm just afraid that you can't though"

i need something, i need to get out for a while. This has become the only thing important to me lately, i need to get away from here and discover what i'm going to do if this ends up not how i planned-- because as of right now--i have nothing to do if this ends, i will be miserable and i dont' know how to handle it. I need to come to terms that things could possibly change and that i need to figure myself out. My mom has no trust in me to let me go anywhere---but thats what i need to do, i need to leave and do something!!!!

We're trying something new.
This other way isn't working, we get in trouble, promise not to do it again, sneek around, get caught, hurt our parents, and the cycle continues.
this is something i never ever thought that i would have to go through, but it can't get any worse than this...so why not go for it.
why not ask our parents for their acceptance. its worth a shot.
we're going to tell them exactly how we feel, quit lying, quit telling them that we're done with this when thats exactly what we dont want.
why not go ahead and do it now instead of hitting them in the face later with it.
its probably going to be the hardest thing i ever do, telling your mom exactly how i feel about you....i'm so nervous....but so anxious.
i feel so relieved knowing that this could actually go in a good direction, at least for us.
our moms will be a basket case but i think its best for them to know this than to keep dealing with all the lying.
the only reason we sneak around is becuase we're forbidden.
if things were different we'd be the best kids you've ever known...well--ok maybe not that far.
but theres nothing to lose. We can't get any lower than we are now.
i'm so nervous. I'm just going to let it all out. Let all my feelings out for the first time ever through out this whole thing.
i know that this is what i want and i'm tired of pretending that its not.
i will not be satisfied untill the people that claim they love me let me love the one i want to.
its gonna be hard, this is probably the most risky and most unthought of decision we've had to make through out this whole process and i'm so scared! i admit it--I'M SCARED! But i want to do this. I want to get it out. I want to know if they will just accept us so that we can stop all of this nonsense that we're forced into. I'm no anxious and so nervous. I just want to be able to say everything exactly right. i want to be able to say it right. i hope this turns out the way i'm hoping it does.

"And how, even though we're supposed to lead lives that make us happy, we won't because that's never what anyone actually wants for us."
-Brittany

people tell you to do what makes you happy, to live what you believe so that you can have a happy life....then as soon as you do something or start living a way that they disagree with your criticized and told that you won't be happy if you live this way. Just because your not happy with the way i want to live doesn't mean that i am not. Because in more ways than not i am happy with what i'm going for---your the only one keeping me unhappy.

its gonna be a hard day....don't panic....don't panic, there simply is no need

holloween horror nights tonight...maybe--if not...then next friday.

i hate reliving the past (well bad things in the past). it sucks to bring it up, it sucks to talk about it, and it sucks when something relives it's self.

next semester i'll have my EMT class on three nights a week from 7-10...i'm going to be so exhausted...i can barely handle the one night a week---i need my sleeeep!!!

shannon kline!!! your killing me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

skalloween!! YESS!

new icon=love!

things are pretty good.
i have a lot that i feel that i need to let out to my mom so that it doesn't catch her by surprise one day if it so happens to happen.
maybe not now though.

its wierd how people change...how you can be so close to someone and then just watch them slowly change....its seems just so odd to me how that can happen.
but i guess we all do...and i've probably changed to some people and i just can't see it.
i'm thinking that maybe deep down inside someone knows who they are but sometimes they pretend to be something else...and so you get to know someone and become friends with them through who they pretend to be and then slowly they form into what they know they are- i'm not saying its a bad thing....just...idk...its hard sometimes when you feel almost left behind because you don't think that your changing yourself....who knows.

this weekend my parents are going out of town for their anniversary...they don't trust me to stay home by myself...so i'm staying with irene and then one night my grandma wants me to come stay with her....
friday- merediths birthday
saturday- skalaween!!!

i admit.....life sucks right now.
i have so much going for me
but i just can't seem to grasp hold of it and make it all i need.
i'm missing what i let go of even though i know its for the best.
i still can't seem to make ALL of the other things i have make up for it.
forsome reason its just not working right now.
"days turn in to weeks- turn into months- turn into years" and nothing seems ok.
people are starting to push themselves away from me and i guess i understand.
im just trying to look for things to keep my mind off of it.

soccer tryouts start monday---i'm not as near in shape as i need to be- but its just another thing to add to my crazy schedule.

so there is ONE thing going for me--even if everything else is crashing around and no one really cares and can do anything about it.......
i've come to some sort of sense in my mind...:
I AM FINALLY THERE! i've gotten to the point where i don't care what any of you have to say about me not drinking or smoking any more-i don't care. you can do it if you want and i don't regret any more not participating in your silly ways...i don't feel left out when i make the decision not to go out with you at crazy hours of the night not knowing what i'm going to do or if i'm going to wake up ok and get home so that i don't get caught...i don't miss it...i don't miss it at all... i don't miss the confusion, i don't miss the lack of brain power, i don't....really---i'm ok with it all now! I never did those things because i felt i had to i did them because i wanted to---but now i don't even have the desire...its just not there anymore---I've made it....and i wasn't all that thrilled about it a while back, yes i wasn't doing it anymore but i wasn't sure if i was ok with not doing them and i wasn't all that happy about not doing it anymore....but i am now- i'm glad that i'm done with all of that crap and that i'm ready to be done.
so yes its taken a while and i've actually been clean for almost 8 1/2 months and i haven't come to realize that i'm ok with it untill now. but i'm there and glad to be.

so i haven't written in a while and i don't really know what to write....nothing is exciting and things are going how other people don't think they should be going---and i haven't decided what i think about it- and i don't really talk to anyone about it anymore.
so thats that- and yeah...i don't really know what else to say